Monday, May 30, 2005
its over. my life ends now. haha.
funny how i had this premonition that the minute after today's paper, the huge weight on my head would somehow by some unexplained force disappear.
as always, my psychic powers were quack. conversely, my head instantaneously caved in.
of course i'm kidding, you doofus.
anyway, lets take a healthy step to the further past. i had this massive stage fright on sunday. and since then decided never ever to play the piano up stage again.
so after that i made an amazing discovery.
you know how people blah about how cats are super smart and witty creatures and everything?
well that's poop. entirely.
my dad was driving the car la. then there was this tabby trying to cross the road. and then he just paused mid-step, and after an eon turned his head and noticed that there was this big, magic schoolbus-like car staring straight into his nose.
fellow countrymen! listen to me. this cat was not stopped by his uncanny wit, but by an unknown force that is completely out of his reach. how did i infer this exquisite mitigation? you may ask.
well, the cat stared me straight in the eye, and then his face broke into a sheepish grin, guiltily realising that i had seen through his zhen mian mu. (((:
i even got us a picture.
believe it.
10:31 PM
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Friday, May 27, 2005
woah.
i've only just found out that my
cracked up level is shooting through the roof.
you see, as i was browsing through the blogs of
some people whom i shall not name so as to avoid poking my keys through the keyboard, and the rolley out thing, and the rolley sideways thing, and even the through floor,
and perhaps another 8 storeys down past ground level(end of adjective, comma,,,)
i was toying with my hairclip. you know, like open close open close open close.
and then i got worked up...
and somehow. i buckled it out of shape.
its a good thing i have spare blackies unlike
some people or i'd be going to school with an unbalanced head tomorrow.
not like my head is usually balanced.
got back the report book today. mingee said i looked fantastic in the front. (sec1 photo).
i tell you, i looked like a corpse. i don't like report books. its an irritatingly striking BRIGHT blue, yet it never fails to bring gloom and darkness of atmosphere wherever it goes. it is an error free contradictory statement. it is a walking joke.
people stare at it and laugh.
people stare at it and cry.
people stare at it and don't know what to do next.
it's just like a juvenile delinquent. it needs has a social disease.
(so take it to a social worker, ha ha ha)-by officer krupke, west side story.
eh, very pokeye lah. i'm more or less done with syllabus, and am finishing the last of the one thousand and seventy something prelim papers laoshi has finally finished piling on us. now there are more things to worry about. such as
will i die during the weekend?
will a miracle happen on sunday?
will monday really come ...
can monday not come? ........
why must i sit so front in the exam hall. and why is my row number so scary.
think think think think think. i'll pray la.
zair ken bee mierikles, wen yoooo b-live. doh hoap eez flail eez hut zoo kip. (:
God bless all candidates for monday.
7:04 PM
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Thursday, May 26, 2005
2(500)+2(250)+1000 grams.
the week's passing so quickly. and i'm barely done with all the papers and compre laoshi gave us. and tomorrow's chong fu xi lah. so tonight cannot sleep already.
and i haven't even touched the score that i'm supposed to use to back the children's choir on sunday. and i have to go back to church to work it out on the stage piano. or i'll just die on sunday.
10.45am.
oh dear.
and my brother just walked past and said that i look like i'm having a study break all my life.
like how pissing can that get? he's having a wonderful time with the air force, and here i am slogging through the stupid chinese o's. i feel like strangling him.
rachel boey (i got her name right! (:) was telling us about how mrs lee/mdm kartinie dismissed their coach. they looked so sad.
i think i've got some solutions for them, just hope i don't forget them tomorrow morning.
i sat in for band today. they sounded pretty okay, and the only thing that differentiates them from wow standard is the confidence level. but they were sight-reading. which is actually not a good reason... still, there's time to work that out.
i wish i was going for the trip, then i could give a little more to the jrs' development. i'm not exactly convinced that i properly handed it over to sarina. she's been quite choumeikulian these days. she says its cos of sec1s and her grades. they're quite slack la and bad-attituded, but not as bad as compared to the other section sec1s. just gotta wait till they graduate into the main band. then they'll die. i don't think i'm in any position to talk to them like i used to anymore. i'm not even part of the band le.
cos i'm not going for the trip, and that cant be changed. ha, so get over it stupid girl. i'm sure sarina can do bigger wonders without me there to give zingers.
anyway.
i'm getting used to intensive chinese, and i'll miss it badly when the o's are over.
just gotta cherish these days i guess.
paracetamol always gets stuck in my oesophagus.
7:25 PM
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Monday, May 23, 2005
this girl is so naughty ah. 6 more days to o's and what is she doing? blogging.
as if her chinese very powderful la. nowadays the annually young people(nian qing ren), don't know the value of hard work. what is this world coming to?? haaaiiiiyaaaa....
if this was your first thought as you entered my weblog and saw yet another new post, all i can say is.
don b so quick to judge peepol.
cos believe it not, i came hear to proclaim my week's resolution. yes hear ye and make ye no mistake. for today marks the start of a very important displacement in all of history! -distant applause
momkeys, wombats, fellow villagers. i would like to promise today. that upon my word, i'm going to get that a1 next week. as soon as i hit the publish key, i will start piahing like no tomorrow, and i will frighten laoshi out of her wits by my uncalled-for sudden burst of confidence.
and of course, she will be compelled to give us more fruitplus and mentos sweets, fuelling us piahlets with even more itch for that victory.
eh. okay, maybe i'm being a little too serious about this coming exam.
but then again, wee muss remember not to under estimate the powers of two little sets of papers. wee muss be wary of the harmful effects that arise with a lousy grade returned just days before our prelims. wee muss remember the proverb: One Die All Die. no single paper will be wimpily done, for it will affect all the others.
wee muss TRIUMPH over this ADVERSITY.
wee will Persevere.
give me a moon! cut it in two! what do you get? crescent.
8:59 AM
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Thursday, May 19, 2005
i'm back yet again. feeling quite guilty about wasting so much time online these few days.but somehow, i keep having this premonition that if i don't keep some of my thoughts in a safe place, i'll forget all the things that i've given in-depth thought towards, and i'll have to build that 'ease of blah-ing' thing from scratch again. not that i have much of that now.signs of dementia. hey luling, i think we could be friends!my uncle discovered he was suffering from lung cancer last month. i haven't been really keeping track of what's been happening since then, but my mother told me today that he had this knee inflammation thing and now that it's subsided, he finds he has lost his ability to move around independently. and he cant talk anymore, only wheeze. just now on the phone, my grandma was asking why couldn't she be the one to go instead, since she's alr lost one eye.and my mom was all agitated and everything, 'ma how could you say that? how could you even think that??' blahblah. real life soap opera.so i also drama la. 'mummy must stay strong okay. they need you next week.' all that crap lah. and most unnervingly, she was very taken aback by my sudden maturity. o.0? my thought processes are naturally sophisticated lor. mother goose.and the monster, wah, best. apparently he found something in the situation so amusing, and so he was grinning like some retard at the other end of the table.typical family dinner portrait.anyways, lets put that weird scenario behind us. my mom's going back to the philippines alone next week. and she's gonna drop by pangasinan, and face all that trauma alone. i wish i could go, but chinese o's are next week. but he might be leaving soon, so i think i'll try to visit maybe after chinese.try to hang on ah, tito. will be praying hard for you.16 mocks coming in tomorrow. she told us today cos she thought we needed to go back and 'prepare our hearts.' ("zuo hao xin li zhun bei, yi mian zhan shi beng kui")i think we'll be okay, though. we've done more than 20 papers so far this week. 16 more, turkeyfeet. who am i kidding.but that's okay, i'm sure God will pull us through this. push also can la, i don't really mind.but that'll be more like herding right. hmm.i'm a lamb. mary had a little me.
9:22 PM
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005
we did 10+3 mocks today. notice i split the numbers apart, cos if you added them together, and read this on a friday, the force will draw away from you. and wouldn't that be bad on qinpendayu nights. with lightning striking thunders booming and shadows lurking.muaha.i'm sorry. peiyi's influenced me with all her light-saber rubbish. almost. this woman ah. getting all gawky over a cat that runs as fast as light. (299792458 m/s) gah. haha.you.stop trying to look entertained. don't ever join drama. academy awards are much too heavy for you to even lug off the stage counter so just GIVE IIIITTT UPPP! buckaroo (:my mom's going overseas again. actually they both wanted to go, but then cookie monster couldn't get leave from work, so she's going alone. its suspicious how ever since my brother got into bmt/ocs/airwing leaving me the only kid in the house, everyone's been trying to san kai at every slight opportunity. so was he really the one that kept everything together? i'm just a boarder here hm.. actually, i don't really give a hoot. my mom loves me. yay. but she's still going to leave me with a monster. alone. eeks. fun. lets do that again.Monster. Alone. EEEks!!!its okay, really, i feel so much more at ease when i'm alone. and the lack of the force at night doesn't daunt me in any way. harhar. so there, lousy forces of attraction. you have failed utterly. dingdongturkeypoopoo.i got a disgusting mark for yesterday's pop compo test. pop compo, have you even heard of that?i wonder what kick she gets out of giving lousy grades for ungraded stuff. she's totally warped okay, her definition of li ti would contradict maybe 75% of the content in haozuowen books.so, some people have super pro linguistic abilities.. that doesn't give her a reason to parade that in front of us just 12 days before o's. and you have no idea how softly she talks. as if she's telling a BIG secret to the microorganisms in front of her nose.back:"laoshi. wo men hou mian ting bu dao eh."front:"qian mian ye yi yang."laoshi:(a wee bit laoder) "hao. zhe yang ke yi ba" yes laoshi. not bad. now at least the dust wayy over there on the floor in front of you can make some sense of what you're saying. comrades, give the woman a round of applause.so imagine having to sit for 4 gruelling hours inside a room filled with 120 students every morning for intensive chinese tutorials. the word: blah. mock test after mock test after mock test.so mocky lah pls. all wearing socks staring at their clocks ticktockticktock.1048-RING. rapture.
but then she'll breathe the hair-raising order. "bu jiao juan ji bu xu zhou" piang. new yanyu.come come lets go tell einstein.aiyah. faster lah. must catch the airplane. got net?
8:44 PM
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Monday, May 16, 2005
i miss the sec3s.
8:55 PM
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hmm. its pretty uncanny how people fight so hard to scramble over each other's academic abilities behind their back, but appear so innocently uncapable face-to-face with that person.not that i'm dead crazy over winning all those awards on the pink slip, but the people around me have started to get all evilly competitive against each other. that's why i'm so bothered about seeing this kind of dog eat dog xianxiang in my own class.what the diggies, you know? i'm sure it wouldn't hurt so much just to help someone in your own class get her pass or a. its just 40 out of say eight million three thousand point five nine one four brains that you're giving something to. you're smarter. you are an expert at permuting chickens and combining them with differentiated ducks.stop crying. its not funny.so anyway, we ploughed through one thousand gonghans today. and we're gonna do baozhangbaodaos tomorrow. this is what i wrote inside my english journal for some functional format thing.1. the beginning of a suggestion: you good. don't come without a lamb (that sits on his cardiovascular system)today, i write this piece of letter, the target is to come wantbeg you to build a skybridge outside my school. 2. newspaper report: -copy over the entire title of the article- after reading that article, i felt very deeply, as if there was a fish bone stuck in my throat, and i cannot swallow it nor spit it out. towards this -offender-, i feel that i simply cannot connect with him.3. the beginning of a descrptive: the sun sleepily rose from beyond the faded horizon. guess what ms goh did.she said she wouldn't talk to me until my chi o's are over.stop laughing. its not a sad matter.
8:06 PM
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Sunday, May 15, 2005
found peace in church.lost peace as i stepped back across the gates.hmm. actually i do pray everyday. before eating. out of habit.so technically i am keeping in contact with God, but in real sense its a whole different picture.everytime something really sad happens to me, i'd have this deep talk with Him.`i'm sorry, Father. i let you down again.i truly wish you didn't have to keep hurling distresses into my life to keep me from going too far astray. i wish could have the innocence i once had, and your assuring voice at the back of my head constantly keeping me from doing stupid things.i pray for your guidance, that i will learn to be disciplined enough to build and maintain a close relationship with you, and i pray that you will help me to pray with diligence each night, not just before eating, and also keep you in my thoughts in all my judgements.i try hard to remember to ask myself 'what would Jesus do?' before taking any actions, an attempt to keep me from regretting what i do.*yadda yadda blahblah. on and on.and just the next day, renewed with a peaceful heart and a serenity, i'd go back to husiluansiang-ing and start walking in ways that well, he'd definately not be proud to see me walking in.with each success, i draw away from you, relying instead on my own strengths and abilities that you have lovingly inculcated in me.*
for one thing. i'm supposed to honour my parents. that includes hiM. the dingdongkingkongfor another. i'm not supposed to like, be bendy. ughh give me time, i'm getting over her.and most importantly, i'm not supposed to dishonour my life. yet i want so much to die. actually i don' t really know anymore. i don't feel a thing towards living, somehow.the good thing is, no one suspects me of being a suicidal case. (i am NOT) -i think. hope. ok know.the bad thing is, He knows. dng. the Father is omniscience. and by the minute my guilt is growing. gnawing. eating me out.because if someone in this time ever did love me, it'd be God. yet i am such a mess and i cause Him so much pain. how could i do this to Him? sigh. i'm cant be that wicked, can i.no.okay.talking to myself again.they should just bundle me off to the looneybin. shucks, i really wanna wear the thick white entwined-sleeved suit thingy! looks so warm and comfy. and the white padded walls, ohh the pretty padded walls. though the smell of prescriptions for restraining is quite ickywicky. if only imh didn't rely so much on western medication. not that eastern smells any better.i'm a disgrace to all baptists. so much for thinking a little talk with myself would do me good.bah.love, (yah you wish.)me
5:14 PM
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Saturday, May 14, 2005
i have changed my blog address three times, while keeping to the same skin.i've always wanted to be a free angel. but sadly i will never be.i've always wanted to have many friends, but now that i've got that, i realise i was better off alone.i've always wanted to get to njc, to join syfc, to be with the air force, but recently, i'd rather have contracted an uncurable strain of disease. like malaria mixed with dengue fever and topped with yellow fever.that wouldn't be too hard. since mrs lee doesn't want to do anything about the mosquito invasion in our school.i feel so distant nowadays, so distracted. i cant even type the password while logging on to blogger without stopping halfway to identify what i'm typing.
then i have to delete the whole thing and type it again slowly cos i'd have forgotten where i've stopped.i'm working by clockwork. i'm not living with the moment and cherishing my time.
i got stuck somewhere in the past.
i'm losing hold of my senses.
i'm losing my inner peace.
i'm losing grip of my mental state.i have lost myself.i wish i could just go home alone. and talk to myself on the way. meditate in the bus. i wish i was ruth. she could go mute for months at a time, using those stupid shooting stars or 'ghostbodies' as an excuse.i wish i could share my distress with someone. but from past experiences, everytime i do that, the friendship will just go cold and they'll start to drift away. i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i'm worried that i'll lose my ghc pigss soon too. i can feel them slipping through my fingers, like fine-grained sand. soon, they'll just disappear. at the rate i'm going, every around me will. and i'll be left alone with all that i've always been wishing for.then i'll wallow in my sadness once again, and say that i'm lonely and that i long for someone to turn to. and when i finally get that i'll ask to be alone again. so the cycle repeats.one the way back yesterday, i stared at shaminah (she said she was depressed). i searched within me for something to say, something that would make her happy or just better. and i couldn't. the comforter in me has gone away. maybe there was never a comforter in me. i'll never know.sometimes i get resentful towards people like her. i wish had all those qualities that radiated such an attractive glow. i wish i was more friendly, more fun to be with. but the harder i try, the less natural it is. even if it works out for a while, the higher i climb the harder the fall.my dad is such a big bully. he makes fun of my mom's origins. he think she's stupid and not capable of taking off. he scolds her for stupid things like burping. and oh wow i assure you he doesn't burp. he farts twice as often.ever since last yr, he invaded my territory. he took over my bed. and he takes advantage of his placings by going through all the stuff on my desk. all the letters i write and receive. all the rantings i crumple up and squish behind the hifi. HE IS AN ASS. i am displaced now. i either sleep with my mom, or sleep on the couch.i was watching the first 10 minutes of chase the other day. then being the usual killjoy he started telling me to study. preparing dinner half an hour early to stop the goingons in the house. so nvm. i ate. i stood up. i didn't put my bones on the paper provided, but dumped it straight to the dustbin instead. he took that as a sign of defiance and said. "what's the paper put here for?" when i didn't reply he said "you just want your stupid movie."which i didn't. i picked up my chinese stuff and went back to the dining room."i don't want that stupid movie. who wants that stupid movie? you want ah. i on for you?"he was enraged and got violent, as usual. that LOSER. hit me more, daddy. i'm immune to you already.i won't regret even if i died this moment. i have nothing to live for anyway.
1:16 PM
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if you're lonely and need a friend,and troubles seems like they never end;just remember to keep the faith,and love will be there to light the way.anytime you need a friend, i will be here.you'll never be alone again..so don't you fear;even if you're miles away,i'll be here for you (:
1:02 PM
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